Sherlock's Infant Instructions
by Kiki102
Summary: A list of rules set out by John and Mary for Sherlock regarding his behaviour around the children which apply at all times. No matter what. Inspired by an NCIS story by Weasley's Revenge.
1. Chapter 1

**This is inspired by an NCIS story by Weasley's Revenge. **

**Oliver is Sherlock's biological son. His mum was as close to a friend as Sherlock had in university, and when she wanted a child she went to him. They were never romantically involved. When she became terminally ill she contacted Sherlock and asked him to look after Olly. I might write some oneshots about Sherlock and Oliver and around why these rules exist. **

**Christina x**

**XOXOXOX**

**Infant Instructions**

1. Under no circumstances am I allowed to experiment on Amy and Jack. They are John and Mary's children, not test subjects.

2. Under no circumstances am I allowed to experiment on Oliver. Because he is my biological son is not a valid excuse.

3. All experiments must be out of Oliver, Amy and Jack's reach. At all times.

4. Taking Olly on trips to museums is acceptable. Taking him to the morgue however, is not.

5. I will not tell Amy and Jack about auntie Harry's drinking. John still hasn't forgiven me for telling Olly.

6. I can teach Olly how to deduce people's life stories, but I must not encourage him to do it in public.

7. Olly is my biological son. Therefore when he sulks for days it is my fault. End of.

8. Take away for every meal is not a suitable diet for children.

9. Or consulting detectives.

10. Mrs Hudson is happy to babysit but she is not to be taken for granted. If I want her to babysit, I must ask.

11. Teaching Amy and Olly to insult Anderson is wrong. Even though it makes John and Lestrade laugh. (Which is annoyingly contradictory)

12. Telling Amy and Olly about Anderson and Donovan's affair is also wrong. Even though it also makes John and Lestrade laugh. (Seriously John, why must you be so contradictory?)

13. Body parts must be stored in a separate fridge.

14. Amy and Jack enjoy watching TV. I will not spoil the story for them, nor will I tell them what I really think about the shows.

15. If John tells me to stop playing the violin at three in the morning because it's keeping the kids awake, I will listen.

16. If Mary will tell me to stop playing the violin at three fifteen in the morning because it's keeping the kids awake, she _will_ make me listen.

17. Just because Olly and Archie like looking at pictures of bodies in various degrees of decomposition, does not mean all children do. Amy still has nightmares which are exclusively my fault.

18. I will not tell Amy and Jack that their mummy shot me.

19. Even if I tell them I was joking.

20. I will not let Olly take the skull to school. I know he likes it but John says the other kids don't. Don't know why.


	2. Chapter 2

**Sherlock's Infant Instruction's**

21. I will not tell the children that Oliver's mother is in a box in the ground being eaten by worms. Amy still has nightmares which are exclusively my fault.

22. Guns must be kept out of reach of children at all time.

23. When the school calls me in because Olly has been deducing the teacher again, I will nod and take their concerns seriously and tell him he mustn't do it again. I will not tell them that they are only upset because he is correct then reward him by taking him to the morgue. The morgue is still not an acceptable place to take a child.

24. When John and Mary announce they're having a third child, this is not a cue for me to teach Amy, Jack and Oliver about the human reproductive system.

25. I will not tell John and Mary that Oliver is ill just to get them to look after him.

26. I am not allowed to teach the children swear words.

27. In any language.

28. I can not teach Amy and Jack how to shoot a gun.

29. When asked why I want to, because both their parents can is not a valid excuse.

30. While technically I am allowed to teach Olly how to use a gun, John and Mary do not advise it until he is eighteen. Or at very least thirteen.

31. Food should be kept away from any body parts. Small children may mistake said body parts for food. This is not good. Apparently.

32. Make sure Mrs Hudson's evening soothers are kept away from children.

33. Anything recreational must be kept in my room, out of the reach of any children.

34. Cluedo is banned.

35. As is Monopoly.

36. Actually, all board games are banned.

37. Except when it comes to playing Operation with Mycroft. But only when London's terror level is raised to critical.

38. Christmas at my parents' will be endured. It is one day a year and they want to see their grandson.

39. My parents will never forgive me for not telling me that they had a grandson.

40. I am never allowed to fake my death again without having a very good reason and telling John and Mary in advance. I am a father now and I must think about Oliver.


	3. Chapter 3

**Sherlock's Infant Instructions**

31. If I even think of allowing Mycroft to babysit again, John and Mary will hurt me.

32. Mycroft is never allowed to babysit again.

33. If Mary complains about being pregnant, this is not a cue for me to tell Amy and Oliver about the human reproductive system.

34. If Oliver decides he wants a birthday party, I will give him a birthday party.

35. At Oliver's birthday party I will not deduce the children.

36. I will also make sure there are no body parts, chemicals, anything recreational etc in the flat. Children get everywhere.

37. Molly is not a babysitter. I can not dump my son on her and expect her to look after him.

38. Lestrade is not a babysitter. I can not dump my son on him and expect him to look after him.

39. Under no circumstances am I allowed to experiment on Lily. She is John and Mary's baby, not a test subject.

40. If Lily's first word is murder, John will murder me.

41. Cases are not suitable bedtime story material for children.

42. John's blog is not suitable bedtime story material for children. Although I beg to differ with this. Children are the audience most suited to John's writing style.

43. I will not insult John's blog in front of the children.

44. When Lily spits up on my shirt, she is not disgusting, she is cute.

45. When Lily spits up on Mycroft the one and only time he holds her, it is not hilarious, it is regrettable.

46. I will not tell Olly, Amy and Jack to steal Mycroft's umbrella.

47. Or his assistant's Blackberry. Turns out she is surprisingly skilled in hand to hand combat.

48. I may teach Amy the violin. However I may not teach her at four in the morning.

49. If I want to get a dog, I am supposed to ask Mrs Hudson first since she is my landlady. (Since I've already got the dog, I believe this is a mute point but John and Mary are insistent)

50. Mrs Hudson is my landlady, not my housekeeper, cleaner, live in babysitter or dog walker.

**XOXOXOX**

**If you enjoy these, I've started a couple of oneshots based around the creation of some of these rules. So far there's How to Entertain a Seven Year Old, and Board Games. There's quite a few in this chapter that I'd like to write about too.**


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